Tuesday, November 6, 2012

OBAMA WINS!!!!!



IT’S OVER—IT’S REALLY OVER!!!!!......the Seeing-Eye Chipmunk strike is over!
Since I know that Obama is a shoe-in to win I figured I’d settle with my Chipmunks-- we all know that with Obama winning--business if ready to boom once again like the last 4 years! My own fair and objective polling of 100% Democrats show Obama winning 67% to 33% so it’s in the bag!
To settle the strike I had to agree to free contraception, spice Lattes on Fridays and 3 weeks paid vacation at Club Hedonism in Jamaica….but it was worth every penny.
So I’m standing outside of my local polling place with my “Super-Obama” suit on.  It’s all pink with white sparkly gloves and a white eye-mask---a big “SO” on my chest…..and of course my baby blue Crocs! The line was sooooo long!!! Before voting I gave a passionate speech about how we Progressives are the Party of peace and tolerance—we love everyone, respect all opinions and won’t resort to insults and name calling……so we must wreak revenge on those racists, homophobic, misogynistic, devil-spawned Republicans!!!!! If it wasn’t for them we could have had TWICE as many people on food stamps! And remember Republitards….after this election you need to learn to C..O..M..P..R..O..M..I..S..E  (and by compromise I mean agreeing to what we want!)
After I voted I entertained the crowd by running up and down the line with my arms out—pretending like I’m flying while I shouted “Ready to leap tall buildings in a single bound, ready to cover up a terrorist attack at a moments notice….it’s Super Obama!” People kept telling me that I reminded them of a Movie Star! They said I was the spitting image of “Warren” in “There’s Something About Mary”.  Never saw the movie but I think he won the Oscar that year.
The Election Officials at the polling place had me move to the street--they said that my Chipmunks were making people nervous. Not sure why…..I had them dress in all black, combat boots, black berets and batons—and line up in front of the building just in case those evil Republicans try to suppress the vote.
Now I’m running up and down the street in the rain in my Super Obama suit and my Panther Chipmunks lined up behind me. I want to thank the people who keep offering me food--but ask a small favor….slow down a little when you drive by because when I try to catch the eggs and tomatoes you so graciously offer…..they splatter all over me!
It’s going to be a great day!!! OBAMA—OBAMA---OBAMA!!!!!!

Monday, November 5, 2012

Historic Election

Sincerely hoping that the vote tomorrow is decisive in either direction.
Democrats: If you can't beat Romney with 90% of the media actively campaigning for you....you need to look in the mirror.
Republicans: If you can't beat Obama with the abysmal job he's done on the economy and then covering up a terrorist attack.....you need to disband the party.
If Obama wins---it's a message to the country that this is what they want. Republicans, get out of the way and let the Democrats have every piece of legislation they want so at the end of his next term there can't be ANY EXCUSES if he fails.
If Romney wins---the question will be what will happen next. Many people on the Democratic side have been led to believe by the Media that Obama has already won this and if Romney wins...it will be from stealing and cheating. Many Obama supporters have already tweeted that if Romney wins, they will absolutely riot. With still over 1 million people without power in the Northeast cities....I can see another superstorm hitting with the flames that have been fanned the Media.
 
AS AMERICANS LET'S REMEMBER THAT IT IS OUR PRIVILEGE TO VOTE AND RESPECT THE OUTCOME.....EVEN IF WE DON'T AGREE WITH IT.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

You Feel Lucky Punk?



In the Hospital-- ICU unit…..barely-barely holding on. Made it back from being rescued at sea near Atlantic City to take about a dozen of the neighborhood kids trick or treating last night.
 Hold on—Nurse, Nurse!….I need my pillow fluffed---yes fluffed…and some more apple juice….please, quick before I-I go to the light…..stay away from the light…..don’t roll your eyes---I’m on my deathbed!  
Anyway, I took 12 kids trick or treating last night for close to 3 hours. We worked the entire neighborhood, every house—our bags were dragging on the ground by the time we were done!
When we were finished I said, “Okay, there’s about 20 other kids here that didn’t feel like trick or treating—they were tired or watching TV—so I’m going to take half of what everybody has collected and give it to them. Gotta redistribute so everybody gets a fair share.”
Everything went into slow motion at that point as I reached into a 6 year olds bag for some candy. Dressed as Dora the Explorer, she had a murderous gleam in her eye as the theme from “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, whistled in the background.  As our eyes met she whispered, “…..you feel lucky, punk?”
The millisecond I withdrew a candy bar---it was like a bomb went off! The whole thing is kind of jumbled but I definitely remember a lot of blood (mine of course!) and thinking that 6 year olds hit REALLY hard!
I’ve had an ultrasound and the Dr. thinks he can remove my baby blue crocs….lately it seems like my crocs have spent more time inside my body than on my feet! But the tricky thing is to how he’s going to remove that 6 year old’s teeth from my ankle…..I didn’t know they had lockjaw!!!!
Still don’t understand what the problem was….our President has been doing this for the past 4 years!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!!!!



Shaking….freezing --- on my way home after being rescued at sea by a Coast Guard Cutter.  I tried to knock “The Donald” or whoever it was into the ocean but….. let's just say that the swelling should go down in a few days! We fought the whole time about the economy and his explanation haunts me. Here's how it went.
 Me- If  Romney is elected his plan is to give a 20% tax cut across the board which will cost 5 trillion dollars!!...and he wants to increase defense spending by 2 trillion dollars.... I'm even more confused now!!....how is Romney going to pay for this?.....please help me my head is about to explode!!..... I don't get the GOP math!!!..... .help!!!
Donald- Since I have nothing better to do, I'll try to get through to you. You say that the tax cut will cost $5 trillion--- but you base that on money returned to the people against the money that is collected from taxes. But the amount of money collected from taxes always changes. You say you own a Seeing Eye Chipmunk Company…. I didn't mean to laugh so hard that I actually peed my pants-- just haven’t heard anything so ridiculous in my entire life. You say you haven't made even a single sale yet-- besides the fact that it's a ludicrous product, even if people wanted it, there's just no disposable income to purchase these items right now.  
Remember, if we confiscated every single dollar from people in this country who make over $1 million a year….. we could run the government for approximately 7 days. So the notion that if we raise taxes on wealthy people who pay most of the taxes anyway that we'd be able to reduce the deficit is not only a drop in the bucket…… it's a molecule in the bucket.
If people had significantly more money in their pocket so they wouldn't have to be so worried about putting food on the table, then you might have demand for your product. Say you have currently 2 chipmunks working for you….what would you do if you had more demand? That's right, you would hire more chipmunks--- say you hire 3 more……well, you've just created 3 jobs that pay taxes that previously didn't exist!  
Under Obama's strategy if you own a small business, you would be paying more in taxes and also have to comply with tons of new regulations. We see miniscule growth in the economy which means most people don't have much disposable income… reducing demand for products--- thereby slowing down hiring. As a business owner you still have to pay wages, healthcare, supplies and other items. So what do you do when there is little demand for your product----Yep, you would probably let one out of your 2 chipmunks go….reducing the amount of taxpaying jobs. That has happened all over the United States in the business sector.
So it's pretty logical at that point….. what would you rather do and what would create the most tax revenue  to the government? Is it better to have more money in your pocket and have the ability to expand your business and create taxpaying jobs that previously didn't exist…… or does the government get more money by increasing taxes and having businesses react by cutting jobs--- reducing the number of taxpayers and then virtually eliminating demand for products which also reduces the amount of sales tax the government takes in?
And I'm not even talking about increased demand = hiring more people as a business owner, creating more wealth for yourself which puts you in a higher income bracket and you pay more taxes…... If it's worth your while I'm sure you gladly would do so. You don't get that by increasing taxes!
Now say one of your chipmunks has always dreamed about opening up a nut store or whatever. If he sees people with more disposable income and he has more money in his pocket…..he might take the leap and open up his own business….viola--- new taxpayer! Say he has to hire 3 other Chipmunks to help with the store….. that's 3 new taxpayers!
I know you say Obama gave the middle-class and small business owners a tax cut…. that tiny amount of money allowed you to do what….. buy 5 gallons of gas?  And the stimulus? The government didn't give money out to all businesses--- they picked and chose who would receive the money such as Wall Street banks which shored up their bottom line as well as the green energy industry which has a 16% success rate!
Do you think it's just a coincidence that tax revenues to the federal government have fallen every single year that Obama has been in office? It's funny because it's always reported as –“ unexpectedly”.  Do you also think it's a coincidence that the 2 times in the last 50 years that we’ve had a really bad economy were both under liberal administrations (Carter’s and Obama’s) that had higher taxes and so much more business regulations that as a business owner, you would have to fill out 8 federal forms and give 3 pints of blood just to be allowed to go to the bathroom and wipe yourself!!!
What did Ronald Reagan do after Jimmy Carter? First, he didn't sit and whine for 3 years and say that everything bad was Carter's fault. Second, he gave the largest tax cuts in our country’s history at that time. Now he had a Democrat Senate and Congress so he had to agree to drastically increase government spending to get the tax cuts through….. But with more money in people's pockets, the economy EXPLODED! More small businesses were created in that time than at any time previously--- people took chances to try to better their lives--- big companies were fighting over college graduates….. AND THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT TOOK MORE MONEY IN FROM TAXES THAN EVER BEFORE!!!
Yes—yes, I know that Bill Clinton had a pretty good economy in his 2nd term as well.  How did that happen…….William Jefferson Clinton cut government spending, reformed welfare AND ALSO CUT TAXES!!!!  By today's standards--- all you liberals would be calling him a right wing nut job!
So by significantly cutting taxes--- government actually takes in MORE MONEY from a growing economy because there are MORE taxpayers and income levels go up. That's why your math supposedly doesn't work. Obama's strategy to raise taxes will cause businesses to shed jobs, reduce taxpayers and therefore shrink the amount of money the government takes in. In addition, people who made good money the year previously will say, “Geez, why should I try making more money or risk any investments and/or hiring where practically 90% of every dollar will go to the federal government!”  That will reduce tax money the government takes in EVEN MORE!
I had the perfect response to his incessant dribble…… LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!!!
But as I sit here shivering, I can't help but think…. HE ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE---HELP ME!!!!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Boardwalk Raft



Guess it wasn’t good timing to have my Election Extravaganza at the Tropicana Casino in Atlantic City the day Hurricane Sandy hits…….damn Mitt Romney and his magical Mormon underwear!
Really in trouble now! Since the Casinos were all closed, I figured the best place to crash would be on the Boardwalk……I woke up this morning and I’m floating out at sea!!!!!!
Get this--I’ve got someone else with me on my boardwalk raft…..and he’s a Romney Supporter!! He’s wearing a fancy suit and has the WORST comb-over I’ve ever seen! When the wind blows right he looks like one of those professional bicycle riders with a giant cone shaped helmet….keeps arguing with me about the economy---saying he’s a billionaire and has a TV show.
Yeah, right! Come talk to me when you own a business like my Seeing-Eye Chipmunk Company…..and no, I’ve never heard of “The Apprentice”---sounds made up to me!
The Liberal here has to be tolerant and not react to his vicious hate speech about personally liking the President but the economy is just not doing well.….if I see a shark I’m going to knock his ass in!!!!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Atlantic City



On my way to the highly publicized and completely objective, “Mitt Romney, Why Does He Suck…..Suck Bad!”, election extravaganza that I’m putting on to give you, the undecided Voters—the chance to hear the REAL truth about how Mitt Romney wants to destroy the World! I refinanced my house to pay for it and had to promise my first born, give blood and have 4 colonoscopies before the Bank would agree but I got it done (who said the Banks weren’t making any loans!)
I’ve been hearing on talk radio about something to do with Libya but I checked the MSNBC web page on my Obama smartphone and don’t see one word about it-- so I’m sure it’s just another Right Wing lie…..they’re such bullshi---rs!!
It’s a chance for you to hear how we the Progressives are the tolerant ones….. so we have to round up all the Conservative Talk Show Hosts and slowly roast them with cattle prods! Someone asked me why I didn’t just turn the dial rather than listen to them…..are you crazy!—it is the duty of every Progressive to destroy anyone who spouts opinions that don’t agree with ours---turn the dial—wish it was just that easy!

Wow, it’s really windy today -- the rain is falling sideways. Can’t wait though, I know it’s going to be a HUGE turnout….hear we are—the Tropicana Casino in Atlantic City!!

…….hey, where the hell is everybody…..and why is the parking lot flooded!!!???